The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
If you belive this crap.

Monday, 27 December 2010

One reazon more why i really hate facebook. he's also male, isn't he?

i came home today and signed into fb. like i do almost every day, for some years now. and for last half of year some wicked fb statistic settings or whatever they are, really are trying to make me mad. they're popping up on the top of the hot news list his profile picture and every damn thing he did. as if i cared! as if i cared how he comments all the stupid pictures and statuses with his goofy dumb comments, as if i cared how he studies his damn anatomy or whatever, as if i cared that he's going skiing tomorrow (yes, as i wanted to do, but i'm so not gonna be at the same ski resort as he!), as if i cared how he's gonna spend new year with two of her  ohhh sooo good girlfriends and as if i cared how he phoned to her and she didn't pick up the phone and as if i cared anything! anything about him, you damned men asshole, can't you just simply get out of my life and never come back again, because i really don't want to know any of the things, listed above, and i so don't care or i just wish i wouldn't care but i still do so damn much! how dare you comment my status after all you did to me at all!? or after all the things you didn't do. oh yes, i know, it's so easy to be a jack and make all that sweet promises, but then - just disappear, without making any of them true, without telling me only one reason, without anything! how dare you, and how dare that stupid facebook show me all your sweet comments with all those girls as they bring back so many memories of the times, when you were commenting my statuses like this and when everything seemed to be so nice and perfect!? you liar, how much of those nice words was true, do i really want to know that, what do you think!? yes, be cool and have a girl who loves you, have her for some evenings, have her to release all your perverse men fantasies, have her to try how can you manipulate with someone, have her to see how someone blindly adores you while you're laughing how stupid she is to believe all those made up things, yes, just do! oh, how much do i want to repeat all those things again, yes, but with turned roles. that time you'd be the one who'd believe and i would be the one, who'd exploit you and then just leave you alone, longing for more of me. oh, how badly i want to do that, to make you feel everything i do, to make you go through all those days i went, to spend all those nights without sleeping, suffer, oh yes, suffer! i'm not that kind of person to wish anything bad to anybody, but he - i'm really sorry, but he's a different story. noone has ever done anything like that to me. made me to feel so close and beloved and then pretend like anything had ever happened, like i'm nothing, like there never was anything. oh, you men! how can you be like that? haven't you any conscience? haven't you any pride at all?

i guess not.

Thursday, 23 December 2010

happy end :)

my dad just called me that he got a phone call form train station - they found my wallet! yay! :) :) :)

aaa, i lost my wallet :(

last night was absolutely F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C!! i haven't have such great time really long, you really can't find better girlfriends then they are! we danced all night, had fun, the music was the best possible - everything was perfect, in a summary.
there was just one thing that made my yesterday not-so-perfect day. i lost my wallet. better said, i forgot it on the train when i driving home from the practice. dammit! i've got everything in there, from my id card, bank card, student card, library cards, health insurance cards ... - now i have nothing! i went to the train station today and asked if they've found any lost wallets, but there're none, the guy just gave me their telefon number to call them later, if they maybe find it. eeee, how i hate myself, can't i put wallet into the bag instead on the seat!?

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

christmas cards :)

Well, the Princes Charming list didn't made my dream last night, what a shame :( but i was sleeping so nice and deeply until 12 that i started to think if it had any psychological effect on me ;)

today i finally made all the christmas cards for friends. they're quite small, blue, with houses with yellow windows on them. and it's snowing, of course. they're really beautiful, at least i think so, and i don't want just to compliment myself. on the back there's written a short song about winter i wrote by myself and under it, there i wrote some personal message for everybody. short, but it's personally, which i really like. opposite of that buyed christmas cards (and then you got three exactly same looking) in which people write "happy new year". or it's maybe allready written in it and you just put your signature down. oh, how i hate those cards, there's so nothing personal about them and people send them just because it's christmas and they feel that they have to send something. i don't say it's not nice that they remembered me and send me one, but - please, can't you write something down yourself? i don't claim for shakespeare's sonnets, for gods sake, it's only few words you write to somebody who means something to you. it shouldn't be so difficult to take few minutes for them once in a year, huh?
well, i finished them all today. i'll sent them to my ex-schoolmates, some friends i haven't seen for quite a long time, and to three professors from my secondary school that were, no doubt, relly the best the one can get and with whom we became good friends. one of them is my sports teacher, who always called me with a nickname he made up for myself. i was the only girl in his sports class who trained something, and i'll never forget how he came to me every time we'd got sports and chat with me about it; he always asked me how did the match go that weekend, how much did i scored, how did we play, and then he gave me numerous advice how to play and be the best. i think he really belived in me, even more then i did/do. and he was always fooling around and making fun out of us. he once tell me this: "being a sports teacher for girls is like sci-fi." he wasn't that wrong, though. the other two professors i wrote to were my language teachers. i loved that suject and always wrote some poems and was really great, especially in essay writing, and we made at some projects together and so on ... they're both really great women, i miss them both, or better said, i miss them all, all free of them.
i also wrote one card to him. i was in quite a dilemma if do so or not, but then i said to myself - if you write to some ex-schoolmate you haven't seen from the end of the school and was only your schoolmate and nothing more, no specially good friend or something, but just someone you spend nice grammarschool times with, why woudn't you write to a guy, that was a bit more then just a friend to you once (and still is, to be sincere), and whit whom you spend some of them most beautiful time of your life that you'll never forget? so i did it. and i wrote down, below the text, a p.s.: "if you get bored, they've got really good caco there in the city centre :)". i like that version of invitation the most of all, also better then the "chat-plan". so i'm taking the cards to the post tomorrow. yay! :)
tonight i'm going out, i just can't wait! i arranged with some of my basketball co-players. that's gonna be really awesome end of 2010 "living in the capital". today i went to the practice too, finally after quite a long time. i've got lectures almost every day in the evening, so i can't go, but today i had time. it was great to have ball in my hands again, and the practice was really great. we didn't do any practice, we just played five on five. with a trainer, so there was 10 of us. i still don't know if i like him or not, sometimes he seems cool guy, but other time i really want to push his head into the toilet and hold it in it while kicking his ass really, really much. that would be the most splendid and unforgetable moment of my life. when he just became a trainer, that was five years ago, he was really great one, we were also good friends and we talked and all. but now, through years, he became really high. he doesn't even chat with us anymore and he acts like he's so much more and so much better, because he's our -

oh, i just got a call, i got to go. let's party!!! :) :) :)

The list of the hottest princes Charming or trying to make some potential for sweet dreams.

well, i'm back. thank god for that genious, that invented the microvawe. our perfect electirc hot plate would probably warm my milk nothing sooner then at 7 in the morning.

i decided to make myself a list of partners which wouldn't be really unwelcome in my dreams. or in reality, i also wouldn't mind that at all.

well, the list of hottest princes charming (not necessary in that order):

#1: Gabriel Macht; with a hat, if possible
(more time i spent looking at that picture, more i'm thinking about the huge similarity with my ex-sports teacher. is there anything i should know!?)

#2: Ashton Kutcher

#3: Rupert Grint

#4: my ex-movie-workshop-leader; dark brown eyes, smile that makes you unable to breath, the right "amount" of muscles, good looking, fun ... mmm :)

#5: Colin Firth

#6: Johnny Depp

#7: Walker Howard

#8: Matthew McConazghey in his best years

#9: Bradley Cooper

#10: Ben Affleck

#11: Tony Parker

#12: Gerard Butler

#13: Boštjan Nachbar, basketball player

Let's try if it's gonna work.
Sweet dreams, I'm ready!

A facebook freak. And it's not really my fault.

It's past 11 p.m. again, and i can't sleep. again. luckily my german professor can't see me, because i wrote that i go to sleep at 11 pm every day in the test ;)

basically, i'm watching clips on youtube and checking facebook chat list every fie and a half seconds. i made a decision today, in the morning. or maybe yesterday after the movie, it doesn't really matter at all. i'm gonna invite him for a coffee. or lunch. or something. we're not stuck into the romantic movement anymore, right? and it's completely usual for a girl to ask a boy out. not for a date, of course. i'm over that stuff, with him, of course. at least i wish i was so completely over him, but nevermind. i cleared my mind. he's just a friend. how do you act around friends? you call them and ask them out. or send them a message. but i can't do that with him because last time (when i went home with him and i contacted him about it) his phone broke down and he couldn't write masages. so if i send him a message he'd maybe not be able to answer me. not with message. so he'd have to call me. which i'm not really enthusiastic about, because i'm no huge fan of phone calls. especially not with him, i mean, i don't know what to say. "erm, hey, you, yes, i just sent you a message. i just thought that if - it's december and the holidays are comming and that stuff so mostly people don't have to study so much and don't have exams and so on - well, if you don't have the ones too and if you maybe have some spare time and if you want, of course, because i really don't want to bug you or something if you don't feel like doing it, what i could completely understand, of course, but, if, as i said, you maybe have no other plans or something i though we could meet for a coffee or something, i just call it coffee but it can be anything, a cacao, hot chocolate, juice, whatever you'd want, or maybe for a lunch if you aren't too busy or arranged with someone already, so - yes, what do you think?" he'd probably think i'm really nuts (first step) and then ask me "hey, sorry, i don't really know what you mean -" (second step) and then i'll say something even more stupid (if that's even possible) like "i just wanted to asky you if you'd like to see me for some drink or lunch or something", which would, probably, sound like i want to get him there for a date and i'm so desperate about seeing him again (step three). and then he'll say "yes, of couorse, when?" or apologise politely that he "doest't really have time at the moment because he's got so much to study and is also going home sooner that week, but we can meet some other time", which would, of course, never come. i can't really decide which version is worse. because if he'd said "yes", i'd probably have killed myself rather than comming there after the speech i had on the phone. and if he'd said "no", i'd have been all depressed again, imagining what does he think about me (and my perfect phone call probably didn't make that opinion any better at all). noo, message is really not the best way. and so is nost the phone call. so what is left? i could send him an email, but that's a bit too formal. i mean, it's just like sending him a letter just to invite him to go out, isn't it? he'd probably take the invitation really seriously at all. you know, people usually don't mail each other about having an ordinary coffee, more likely about the meetings and so on. so, email, crossed. what's left? chat. so i'm waiting for him to show up in the chat menu, but he just doesn't want to. he also didn't in the morning, but he usually is on facebook on tuesday mornings. not as if i checked it regularly or spy on him or anything at all (yeah right), i just notice it because i'm usually logged in on tuesday mornings too. and i just can't help but notice him, right? so' he wasn't there. and he also isn't now, neither he was sooner in the evening (but he usually is!). if i don't cound that minute. but i cant click him in the second he log in, he'd think i was waiting for him. which i actually would be, but he doesn't really need to know that. it'd seem as i'm really so damn much desperate about seeing him, which i can't really say is not true, but - he doesn't really need to know that too. it's over, or at least it's over for him. i mean, probably. sure. he's the one who never called me again after comming back home from the camping. who never wanted to chat again (except that two times, which was quite formal). who didn't even wish me happy birthday when i had one (he told me he was going to malta, but anyway, if he wanted, he could do it. he didn't go to neanderthals, for god's sake, they have internet and computers and all, and he's got mobile phone and if he could send me messages from austria when he was skiing and we were just classmates who had spoken nothing more than ten meningfull sentences (i'm sure) in four years of sitting in the same class seven hours a day and i didn't even asked him to do it, i just wanted the phone number of some other classmate with whom i danced at the prom. but he just kept sending messages! i don't guarantee he wasn't a little bit drunk because it was really not like him, but anyway. let's get drunk on malta too and remember to wish me happy birthday, you jerk! -.-), who couldn't come for a coffee with me because he was going to the capital (allright, i'm beeing a bit unjust now, he probably was going. i can't just say he was lying and making some excuse. but he also didn't express any wish of having one.), who just left the chat after saying "brb" when i was just kindly asking him how he likes the first study days (it could be facebook striking again, it wouldn't be first time and maybe i was seen as logged off too, but, anyway - that's not the way!), who didn't even say a word when we met at some party (but just starred at his toes and mumble "hi" silently, i hope he felt really really really bad after being so damn nice with me, mr. perfect!!), ... oh, damn damn damn it so much, everything seemed so pefect, but then just - nothing! over! if we oly had an argument, if we olny talked about it, if he only ever told me what was going on and what happened - it would be so much easier! i'd say to myself "okay, let's face it:he hates you/he met some other girl/he didn't ever loved you at all and was just acting everything/he's afraid because everything was going on so fast/ or ANYTHING!". but now, i'm chewing all those possibilities over and over again in my head, plus that little bit of hope that he's just being shy and unsure and doesn't know how to act, like i am, and we'll met again and realise that we're each others love of his/her life and live happily ever after. of course that's gonna happen, it's more likely i, who doesn't like football at all, win the football world cup, than this to happen. i really must stop watching romantic movies and read love stories with happy ending. but i was raised up listening to snow white, cinderella, sleeping beauty - they all lived happily ever after - so i think the harm's allready done. i woudn't need to stop doing that stuff, good.
but he still havn't showed up. you jerk. i'm starting to think that the gods don't want us to meet, or i don't really know what. weird.

and now? oh, i'm really not going to the bed, because i really don't want any wicked romantic dreams with me or him or both of us starring in it. no, thanks. i'll rather make myself a cup of cacao (i think i'm becoming facebook and cacao obssessed, how nice) and find an idea what to write about. i've still got 62% of the battery and all timein the world. almost.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

The crazy sonnet writer who is terrifying our poetry professor. And me too.

Back from lectures. The grouchy professor was quite in good mood today, he almost forgot to tell us what a shame we are and how our language and poetry's gonna disappear because we're so miserable. and, oh, he also forgot to tell how our parents have never learnt us anything about respect and that stuff. he had to be in a really good mood, actually. besides that, it was really interesting today, we were talking about sonets and so on, which i find really interesting. we came to the crowns of sonnets and wreaths of sonnets and - can you imagine that some poets wrote the wreath of wreaths of sonets? which sonsists of 211(if writing all the magistrale sonnets and use them in the magistrale sonnet of magistrale sonnets) or 196 sonnets (if leaving the magistrale sonnets out). how can someone
1.) have so much time so he can write 211 sonets at all (and, yes, some poet wrote eight of them!!!!!)!?
2.) find enough same rhyms!?
3.) not get out of ideas for writing, that's 211x(4+4+3+3=14)=2954 lines??? that's a poem after all, not a novel!
the structure of the sonnet is like: 12 lines - two quartains and two tercets. the quartains have rhymes ABBA ABBA and the tercets hev rhyms CDC DCD (there're different versions of rhyming the tercets too). The last line of the sonnet is always also the first line of the next sonnet and also the line in the magistrale.
for example, the first sonnet of Prešeren's Wreath of sonnets:
 The most famoust Slovenian poet France Prešeren, who wrote the first Wreath of sonnets (there was none of them found before). He wrote about his passionate love to Julija Primic (who didn't love him back), national theme and the poet profession. His Wreath of sonnets is enriched by acrostic "Primcovi Julji".

Prešeren's Wreath of sonnets in slovene.

Well, here it is:

A Slovene wreath your poet has entwined, A -> it's also the first line of the magistral sonnet
Of fifteen sonnets is the chaplet bound, B
And in it thrice the Master Theme must sound: B
Thus are the other harmonies combined. A

Now from his source like streams in order wind A
The sonnets, and the head of each is found B
By the last line of the last sonnet crowned; B
This is a semblance of your poet's mind. A

From one love all by thoughts arise, and lo! C
Whene'er I sleep at night they cease to flow, C
But stir when darkness flees before dawn's rays. D

You are the Master Theme of my whole life, E
Which will be heard when I have ceased my strife - E
A record of my pain and of your praise. D -> it's also the first line of the second sonnet of the Wreath of sonnets and so the second line of the magistral sonnet

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to write "just" a Wreath of sonnet and watch after all those rhymes and meaning ... it's like a puzzle! But how can you get the idea to write a wreath of wreaths of sonnets!? our professor said that the man, who wrote eight of those, is terrifying him a little bit. i couldn't agree with him more. it is terrifying, it really is. nuts man.

p.s.: but, it would be a great achievement to write one one day. wreath of sonnets, the other one ... maybe, if i'll be sent to the jail some day. then i'll have time to get nuts and to write it ;)

p.s.2: that's him. the terrifying man, i found him on the web :)

Yay! New toy! :)

I just came back home from christmas shopping. Woo-hoo, the hardest thing to do in the whole winter is left behind! :) I don't mean that i don't like christmas shopping at all, i just can't find almost anything i could buy for presents. i don't want it to be totaly boring (but highly usable, of course, like some completely ordinary school notebook and the cheapest pencil i can find), nor just beautiful but not usable at all (like some decorative stuff that are really wonderful to see it in the display windows but are useful more or less for keeping evidence of how long you haven't cleaned the dust in your room), neither something you find stunning but they won't really like (as if i bought a poetry book to my dad, everything he'd ever see would probably be the covers of it. he's a great dad, he's just not into poetry and that kind of stuf as i am) or something that could be really lots of fun but you find stupid (like buying a fart cushion, for example). so i spent almost whole morning looking for the "perfect" gifts for my sister and my dad (and sister's gonna buy christmas presents for me and my mum, it's our (my and sister's) deal - parents give us something for Saint Nicholas and we prepare something and put it under the christmastree). and i, finally, got it. i bought my sister a book about the massage (she's really into it and it''s relly nice to support her, especially because she needs someone to practice on and most of the time when we're both home i'm that victim. so actually, that's a bit selfish present, i guess. but she'll gonna like it, i'm sure about that.), some really cute plush toy (monstaaaar with huge eyes and lips, it's really cute :)).

it looks like that two on the picture, it's black with smal dots in all colours of the world on it :)
plus some chocolate, that's something you can't forget when buying s gift. at least i think so. well, for dad - i was thinking quite a long time what to buy for him, because i didn't have any idea at all. but then i went to some little more "elite" shop and buy a bottle of some spanish wine (i don't know almost anything about the wined (except that mulled wine is one of the best things i've ever kntried) so i asked some seller for advice what to buy for someone, who likes to try something new and not so ordinary, plust that it's price is within student's reach. and i decided to trust her, we'll see what dad's opinion will be.) and a gift package of truffles products (i think there're three different kinds in it), because he likes to cook very much and i know he also likes truffles. he could make a perfect chef carier, i swear he could. it's just that he's stubborn enough that he'll never try cooking in some ordinary restaurant, but in some very high rated restaurant with little meals, like the elite ones, you know. he'd be the best. and i still regret buying him an office chair for his 50th birthday. it's a really good chair and it was really expensive and it's really useful, especially because of his back that hurts him really badly somethimes and this chair is made in way that it's good for your back. but if i think again, i'll find some restaurant or a cooking course with some known chefs. i bet he'll love it.

and, while buying all kinds of stuff for everyone, i couldn't stay away from buying something for myself too. i bought myself a new toy. a puzzle, some kind of IQ-tests.
so, i put it out of the box and take to pieces, easy-peasy. but ...
... how the hell can you put this back to the puzzle together!? No way, i've been trying for about an hout, but gave up. for now, of course, i'd never let some wooden puzzle to win a battle :) i'll put it back together, i will! i think i'm taking it to the lectures with me, maybe it's gonna me boring. or maybe i'll get illuminated, hehe.

Comparative poetry and our grouchy professor, here i come.

Was mehr auf der ganzen Welt ein Mädchen wollen kann? (except not having to write a german test in the morning)

I just came back "home" from the great evening i had with my girls. i said "home" because it's not actually my home, it's just an appartment i rent in the capital where i live when studying. well, we were at the movies. i really havent been to the cinema quite a long time. i mean to that commercial version of it, i've been watching some movies on the big screen on two film festivals, but those movies were for completely different. more meaningful and less hollywood (maybe better if i say not hollywood at all) and - you know, independent movies that're never gonna earn millions of dollars and have millions of crying fans. but they touch you, they really do. well, the movie we watched today was more for fun, for the girls' soul. romantic drama/comedy, of course, what else could you expect when five girls decide to go to the cinema? a horror movie? (all right, except if there's Johnny Depp or Gabriel Macht starring in it, but that're special cases). Life As We Know It. Liked it very much. We all did. It was a really nice mixture of drama and comedy so it wasn't too serious but even not something without any message, made only to make people laugh. and it had happy end and it didn't make me feel bad. not at all. until i was left alone again, but that's another story. i love my friends. i love those moments we take for ourself, like today, going to the cinema, eating enormous portions of popcorn (most likely before the trailers for upcoming movies even end and the movie starts), of course accompanied with coca-cola (if we're eating junk food allready, why not lots of it - you know, little of junk food or some more of junk food, anyway you look at that, it's still junk food anyway), facebook statuses (facebook geeks, sorry), crazy ideas and laughing (evethough without any reason). when with them, i just can't be thinking all sort of weird things and chew them again in my mind, i just forget everything about love problems (i think i'm a bit obssessed with them. maybe not just a bit.), everything becomes so easy and unimportant. boys? eh, just one more reason for laughter.
now i'm back home. sitting in the kitchen with my laptop on and with a big cup of hot cacao. mmm ... Was mehr auf der ganzen Welt ein Mädchen wollen kann? (hope that's right way to write it, if it's not i think i'm gonna find out quite soon). i'm writind a german test tomorrow. Yea yea! and i don't really have a good feeling about it. i mean, i read though the stuff once, and i remember it quite well from secondary school (i was already learning german there for four years, so begining form the basics as we do on the faculty should't be such a huge problem for me) so i think it'll go. i hope it will. but anyway, i'll have to put more enery and time into studying, if i count all hours i used it for studying from october on, i wouldn't get any number that'll give me good feeling, not at all. i hate myself for being that lazy and putting things off until the last days, but i just don't want to change it enough to start doing it in a different way. i mean, i want to change things for the better, but i'm just kind of waiting for things to change on their own, without me putting any effort in it. which, of course, is not going to happen. i should finally realise that. Well, if i repeat all the knowledge i think i will need tomorrow (and i hope that's really all, becaue if i see any vocabulary excercises in a test, i'm done): W: die, der, der, die. M: der, des, dem, den. N: das, des, dem, des. Pl: die, der, den, die. Personalpronouns - Dativ: mir, dir, ihr, ihm, ihm, uns, euch, ihnen, Ihnen. Akkusativ: mich, dich, sie, ihn, es, uns, euch, sie, Sie. Reflexivepronouns: when with noun, use Akk. when without, use Dat. well, in Dat.: mir, dir, sich, sich, sich, uns, euch, ihnen, Ihnen. Akk.: mich, dich, sie, sie, sie, uns, euch, ihnen, Ihnen. Prepositions used only with Dativ: we used to call it "WUFDOG" in grammar school, a world made of intials of every preposition. i remember über, für, ohne, gegen, gegemüber, but i've got no idea what W and D stands for. CHECK IT! Prepositions for Akkusativ: auf, bei, mit, nach, seit, von, zu. i think i'll know it even if you wake me up at four a.m. in the morning drunk as a camel. you ask for Dat. WO, and for Akk. WOHIN - that helps when you have prepositions that can go with both of them. we also had some weird word for them (the same story as "wufdog"), i think it was called "waserkamel" or something like that. whatever, all the prepositions connected with some place. Untrennbare Verben: be-, ent-, emp-, ge-, ver-, and something more, i'll know if i see them. Modalverben: müssen (muss), können (kann), dürfen (darf), wollen (will), sollen (soll), mögen (mag), möchten (the same), i think that's all of them. anything else? No! i dare to say i'm ready for my german test tomorrow. probably being a bit optimistic because i had to help with some grammar websites a little to write all those pronouns down correctly, but maybe i'll memorise them now. cheating has never done no harm :)
oh, and Imperativ (realising that's when you order someone to do something).
saying it to myself: Geh schlafen!
saying it to everyone who's not sleeping at the moment, including me: Gehen wir schlafen!
saying it to everyone who's not sleeping at the moment while i'm already pretending to be asleep: Geht schlafen!
saying it to president or someone respect: Gehen Sie schlafen, bitte!
And now i'm gonna pretend to be a really good girl and listen to myself ordering me to go sleep in german. and go to sleep. it's 2 a.m. after all! oh, who's gonna wake me up tomorrow (oups, today morning) at 7? poor me!

well, i might have some romantic drama/comedy happy ending dreams tonight, if i'll have enough time to make everything up at all. in german, if possible. with a really cute guy using all those german cases and pronouns and (un)trennbare Verben i should now tomorrow. and i - i will use Imperativ. Küss mir

Monday, 20 December 2010

Sweet dreams are made of tears. Or, at least, after waking up accompanied with a wish you could cry your eyes out.

I've been dreaming again. Damn you, The Princess Diaries! I know it's all your fault. You made me thinking of him again. Even at night, I just wanna have some sleep, the only few hours a day i can spend wihouth having to think all my problems and (im)possible solutions for them over and over again. Oh, damn, here i go again. Being there, in front of his house, seing the back of his head while he was vacuuming the interior of his car (oh, i love it), didn't really helped me to get rid of the sick feeling i got yesterday evening. not at all. sometimes i just can't believe how vivid and close to reality dreams can get. i was there, making some stupid excuse probably nobody ever believed to be true, so we can go to that city he lives in. we, what counts my sister, mum and grandmother (!) for my delegation. besides that, my grandmother was driving the car. which we parked in his garage, of course without his permission and even without him realising it. it just felt all right, you know, like in dreams the most stupid things ever can feel realy ordinary. well, and when we came back (from where we've been which i don't know where it was at all and was probably not even important) i saw him. actually, i saw the back of his head. with his dark brown hair. aww. and then i had to parked our car out of his garage and i wished so hard he would at least see me (but at the same time i wished so hard he wouldn't see me at all, because i had no idea how to explain to him what are we doing here. besides the fact that we came out of his garage.) he didn't see me, of course. probably the only realistic thing in those dreams. which felt pretty bad, but just seeing him was good enough for me to wake up with that sick feeling you get after dreaming something nice and then realising it's not even close to reality (eventhough it could be. you know, i could call him. and ask him for a coffe. i bet he'd come, i'm quite sure, he's a really nice guy (apart for making me crazy about him). but i won't. i don't want to. i mean, of course i do but i really don't want to bug him or something. which's not really good at all, because i got that feeling quite often and quite often of that quite often i shouldn't got it because i'm not really bugging anybody at all. people are, mostly, happy to see you after some time and to have a chance to chat with you. they do, i do too. i'm the most happy person in the world when somebody i haven't seen for ages (or it just seems so long) remembers of me and we met for a coffee or lunch or something. i really am. but, you know, he could call me either, if he really wanted to meet me. he could. he said "see you". i know people say that quite often without really meaning to actually see each other, but anyway, he could just say "bye" and go. but he didn't. so, well - ? or am i just being so impatient? it's been about one month from that time, and ... omg, you probably won't agree with me at all if you see him, because he really isn't anything special at the first glance, but - can a boy be soo damn hot, turning you on just by seeing the back of his head, his silhuete leaving, his dark sparkling brown eyes, his soft hair, his impish smile, his accent i miss so damn much and which sound so familiar, like i come back home. how can a totaly ordinary guy make me feel so great at one time and so down at the other? is this just that "crazy little thing called love" or me being occupated with the only guy in my life i was really so close to, wanting to repeat this feeling? i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. as socrates sad, "all i know is i know nothing". it made him famous, but it makes me feel sick. i want to know it, i really do.) ugh, that's enough. but it feels really good to write it all down and not just keep it all stuck in my head. eventhough probably noone wants to read that, but anyway - it's not important. it's about to be my diary, after all.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

The Princess Diary rules. It could just learn my life how to use happy ends too.

I'm lost somewhere in the lost feeling again. I should probably thank for that the english version of The Princess Diaries i just finished reading. Gosh, I'm so never gonna read that stuff again! I swear, it' just driving me crazy! All right, i know that also the fact a 19-years-old student reads that childish books isn't really not-weird at all, but anyway. It's so much better than Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings put together! Except that they don't left you all desperated, frustrated, depressed and full of my-life-really-do-sucks-feeling when you end with the reading (but, most likely, just adoring the fact there're no Lord Voldemorts hanging around your house, luckily). Which give them not so little amount of bonus points compared to The Princess Diary. But anyway, all that doesn't really have sense, because i'm very well aware of the fact i'm gonna read the whole series again, as soon as i got time (and they're available at the local library. it seems i'm not the only fan of it, althought i'm possibly the only one who is, at least officialy, adult). Yes, i know i'm weird, i've tried changing that fact a millon times but it doesn't get any better, so i better put myself up with all my weirdness i guess. Uh, of course, why does that girly-looking childish book with silver covers, crowns all around and a big pink (!, i hate pink!) title on it such a huge impact on me? firstly, because it's exactly about the stuff happening in every girl's life (if you're a girl/woman reading that and you put an ironic smile on, while shaking with your head and thinking "that one really IS nuts", try reading it. if you don't find anything familiar in a single book, lucky you, you probably have the most perfect life one can imagine, with no troubles, embarassing situations or love problems. or, in other way, your life maybe sucks. who knows.). exactly about the stuff happening in MY life. and while reading the book, transformed to a real bookworm, unaware of the world around me till i finish the last page, i just exactly know how Mia (for everyone who doesn't know it, that's the girl writing all that stuff down in her diary) feels and i can easily connect almost every character of the book with someone in my realy life. which, in fact, isn't really a big deal, we all have best friends, boyfriends, the ones we have a crush one, parents and little brothers all around us, right? but, anyway, it makes you (me) feel so good. maybe the fact that i'm not the only person in the whole universe who's got troubles (which i of course know i'm not, but sometimes i just feel like it) and whose love life completely sucks at the time (probably depends on who you ask, but from my view, that's exatly how the things are) and who doesn't know what is the right thing to do at any single moment. Thanks, Mia, thank you Meg Cabot, i think you're one of the best psychotherapists i could get (along with Jacqueline Wilson, probably). Oh, yes, you probably wonder why all that talking about being "desperated, frustrated, depressed and full of my-life-really-do-sucks-feeling" while ending the book. you know, happy ends. i still haven't really decided whether i like them or not. probably depends on what mood i'm in. but, anyway, today i was in THAT kind of mood that that happy ending really made me ... feeling really bad about my life. can i get one finally, for god's sake!? and the only one person who really opposed to my happy-end-hate finally led the things to something, which wasn't really like one. not at all. thank you, anyway, now i'm much bigger fan of happy endings, though. well, just right after finishing that book i got that really weird feeling (i got sometimes out of nowhere and which i, actually, don't really like because at that time i feel like doing really crazy stuff, like calling someone i once used to date (and who was, what a coincidence, the huge happy-ends-fan) which is the last thing on the planet i want to do and i have no ideal what i'd say to him at all, i just feel like going back to those times and through all beautiful moments again, although i know there's not even a tiny little chance for that, but, as i said, there's just that totaly weird feeling that if every book or film can have a happy ending, why couldn't i. we. whatever. i think i got lost into some lousy babbling. oh, gosh, i really did, reading it all over again. it'll probably be the best thing i can do at the moment closing that stuff and going to sleep. or at least, trying to get some sleep, because ... eh, forget about it. i'm not gonna get lost again.)