Mamma mia! Here i go again ...

Mamma mia, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Mamma mia, does it show again
My My, just how much I've missed you?

I think i'm going crazy again.
and it's all his fault again.
ooh, how can someone drive you soo damn crazy at once?
we chatted for about one and a half hour ... and it was so fantastic again, as it's always when it's him who i'm talking to. he's still the same, always fooling and making jokes out of everything and being so nice and ... oh, just being him, as he always is, that's completely enough. and, of course, he couldn't stay away from wishing me some nice erotic dreams. still same perverse :) oh, it was really so nice to talk to him after a looong loooong time. :)

Smile shutter: errorr. Too big smile.

I'm just talking to him.
Him.
right now.
oh, i love facebook.
and, guess how it started?
by my most stupid mail i've ever sent.
except those to some 6 years older basketball player i was "deeply in love" with when i was 11.
well, it was about that brieget jones's quote about new years resolutions - i put it on fb as my status. and soon he commented, something as "yeah right!", that moment all i could think of was "fuck off, you asshole, who knows what he thought when he read that!? everythink about stopping forming romantic attachments to any of the following ...". it's been eating me for a while. it's been very much eating me. and then i decided that, as a self confident and blah-blah-blah  person i'll be in this year, i'll write him a mail. just to explain it was nothing about him. just if.
well, everything he wrote me back was x). a smiley tells more than 1000 words.

and now - we're just talking.
after quite some time.
and it feels so nice ...

The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

The quickest way to recieve love is to give.
It's soo true.
I can prove it with an example of sending my christmas cards to people. The day they recieved them was one of the most beautiful days.
I was just shopping with my mum and sister, when my phone rang. I took it out of my pocket and - guess who called me - my ex sports teacher! He said he was really surprised when he got my card, and he said: "when i got that little envelope to the hands, some tiny voice in my head whispered your name. but then i said to myself - 'yeah right, and why would she write to me? it's not her, probably.' but then i opened it and - surprise surprise - there was your signature on the card." he sounded really happy to get that card, and i'm so glad i sent it to him too, because we really get on well. we chatted a little and said we'll gonna hear again. eventhough it's maybe one of the promises that never come true because of millions of excuses, it was really nice to talk to him and to hear him being so nicely surprised.
then, when i was just trying on the 1000000000th sweater, my phone rang again. message. it was from one of my very good girlfriends, she wrote "really thanks for that really nice card. now i see it was worth making them form the beginning of december :)". not much later, two new messages. one from my friend, ex-schoolmate, with whom i danced at the prom and we began to talk to eachother a bit more only that time, but eventhough we became quite good friends and we always stop and have a chat when we meet on the street. and another message was from him. i can't help but my heart still start beating louder when i see his name. he wrote "wow, how someone tired to make a new year card ... i really have to invite her for a drink ...". haha! give love, recieve love. and, no, i didn't write that thing about the cacao on his card, i decided i won't bug him with those things - after all, also sending him a new year's card means he means something to me. so it's on him to decide whether accept it or not. then, when i came home, i found three new notifications on facebook, three of my girlfriends thanking me for my cards. and after a few days, i got an e-mail from one of my ex-language teachers, saying "a long time something hasn't delighted me so much as your little letter". wow, that just made my day too!
Give - recieve. it's true :)
i was just a little bit upset because i didn't get any response from my best friend from primary school. neither about the card, nor as a congratulation for new year. i really miss her.

that writing reminded me of something some acquaintance once told me (he's a chinese and really into meditation and buddhism and enlightement and so on):
“Form is emptiness, emptiness is form; Form does not differ from emptiness, emptiness does not differ from form... no five senses... no illusion, no fear... Buddhisvaha” - Heart Sutra

My shallow interpretation: "Selfish is Altruistic, Altruistic is Selfish; Selfish does not differ from Altruistic, Altruistic does not differ from Selfish"

I love other as much as myself, because I know the good deeds for sure will come back to me. That is very selfish thought but at the same time it is altruistic, you can't tell if that is selfish nor altruistic, it melt and merge in one, like the harmony Yin/Yan. Then you enter the state of emptiness, Satori. 

If you be nice to people, they will be nice to you.

and it's true.

January? New year's resolutions, of course!

Resolution number one: will obviously lose 20 lbs. Number two: always put last night's panties in the laundry basket. Equally important: will find nice sensible boyfriend and stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts [Bridgert Jones's Diary] ~ 2011, here we go ;)

Well, also if these were truly my new year's resolutions, it wouldn't really make any sense, because i very well know how little the chances of making them true are. The most possible is the second, putting last night's panties in the laundry basket. But also that one would need quite an effort, because it's so much easier just to throw them somewhere under the bed and then just pick them up next morning (or when sou're finally packaging your dirty clothes to take them home). Losing 20 lbs? Wouldn't be bad at all. And the end line? Meaningless to discuss at all.

So, when i found out that, despite all similarities and weirdness we do share, Bridget Jones's new years resolutions list wouldn't work for me (but could be a great inspiration and a list of things that wouldn't be bad to keep this year either), i decided to make another one. maybe it'll work better.

So, here we go. The Student's new year's resolutions' list:

1. Will keep a diary. Regularly, with no excuses, with no lies, just pure truth.

2. Will weight exactly 64 (instead of 75) kg by May 1st.

3. Will make all the exams with 8 or better and will not study just last three days.

4. Will finally start listening to the "Better self image" like tapes regularly and try to keep them.

5. Will try to keep the last one and a half lines of Bridget Jones's lists, despite knowing it's utterly unachiveable, saying stop forming romantic attachments to any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts. Will especially stop fantasizing about a particular person who embodies all these things, with huge emphasis on the parts in bold.

6. Will keep the new year's resolutions or, at least, do my best.

Can't wait to see if it works. Maybe 2011 is a bit magic, there's 11 in it after all, being my lucky number. And if the first few hours of the year anyhow predict the rest of it ... it's gonna definitely be the best year ever! I celbrated it with six of my girlfriends from secondary school, we made a really great and unforgettable evening in our appartment, cooking mulled wine, eating sandwiches, talking about everything and just having absolutelly marvelous time.  At about 11 p.m. we went out to the square where some music was playing, we watched the fireworks at 00.00, drank the champagne, made wishes, dance, sang ... Splendid! :)

One reazon more why i really hate facebook. he's also male, isn't he?

i came home today and signed into fb. like i do almost every day, for some years now. and for last half of year some wicked fb statistic settings or whatever they are, really are trying to make me mad. they're popping up on the top of the hot news list his profile picture and every damn thing he did. as if i cared! as if i cared how he comments all the stupid pictures and statuses with his goofy dumb comments, as if i cared how he studies his damn anatomy or whatever, as if i cared that he's going skiing tomorrow (yes, as i wanted to do, but i'm so not gonna be at the same ski resort as he!), as if i cared how he's gonna spend new year with two of her  ohhh sooo good girlfriends and as if i cared how he phoned to her and she didn't pick up the phone and as if i cared anything! anything about him, you damned men asshole, can't you just simply get out of my life and never come back again, because i really don't want to know any of the things, listed above, and i so don't care or i just wish i wouldn't care but i still do so damn much! how dare you comment my status after all you did to me at all!? or after all the things you didn't do. oh yes, i know, it's so easy to be a jack and make all that sweet promises, but then - just disappear, without making any of them true, without telling me only one reason, without anything! how dare you, and how dare that stupid facebook show me all your sweet comments with all those girls as they bring back so many memories of the times, when you were commenting my statuses like this and when everything seemed to be so nice and perfect!? you liar, how much of those nice words was true, do i really want to know that, what do you think!? yes, be cool and have a girl who loves you, have her for some evenings, have her to release all your perverse men fantasies, have her to try how can you manipulate with someone, have her to see how someone blindly adores you while you're laughing how stupid she is to believe all those made up things, yes, just do! oh, how much do i want to repeat all those things again, yes, but with turned roles. that time you'd be the one who'd believe and i would be the one, who'd exploit you and then just leave you alone, longing for more of me. oh, how badly i want to do that, to make you feel everything i do, to make you go through all those days i went, to spend all those nights without sleeping, suffer, oh yes, suffer! i'm not that kind of person to wish anything bad to anybody, but he - i'm really sorry, but he's a different story. noone has ever done anything like that to me. made me to feel so close and beloved and then pretend like anything had ever happened, like i'm nothing, like there never was anything. oh, you men! how can you be like that? haven't you any conscience? haven't you any pride at all?

i guess not.

happy end :)

my dad just called me that he got a phone call form train station - they found my wallet! yay! :) :) :)

aaa, i lost my wallet :(

last night was absolutely F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C!! i haven't have such great time really long, you really can't find better girlfriends then they are! we danced all night, had fun, the music was the best possible - everything was perfect, in a summary.
there was just one thing that made my yesterday not-so-perfect day. i lost my wallet. better said, i forgot it on the train when i driving home from the practice. dammit! i've got everything in there, from my id card, bank card, student card, library cards, health insurance cards ... - now i have nothing! i went to the train station today and asked if they've found any lost wallets, but there're none, the guy just gave me their telefon number to call them later, if they maybe find it. eeee, how i hate myself, can't i put wallet into the bag instead on the seat!?